My talking scale is straight-up terrifying.
Whoever created it obviously watched the first Resident Evil movie, because I’m pretty damned sure the little homicidal AI girl in that is the inspiration for my scale’s voice. “Please wait. Please step on the scale. THEN DIE!’
What’s worse is the thing has a hair trigger. What’s even worse than that is I keep it in my super tiny bathroom. What’s the worst of the worst is that my dogs love to accompany me while I’m getting rid of yesterday’s nachos, leaving me jumping three feet off the cold porcelain when they inevitably set off the scale every now and then.
There’s a solution to this. Well, a few, really, but throwing my scale in front of a semi is probably the wrong move, not to mention possibly illegal. I don’t own a gun so shooting it is out of the question. That leaves me with two options as I see it – beat it to death with my crowbar or lose enough weight and get on a regular schedule to where I don’t feel the need to use it anymore.
As much fun as Office Spacing the shit out of that thing would be, I think I’m gonna go the harder route. Groan. I tried this back in 2016 with great success, but fell off hard in 2017 to the point where I regained all the weight I’d lost and barely worked out anymore. That’s depressing. I don’t like depressing. Let’s fix depressing.
Every week, I’m going to jump on here, bullshit about all the gross, lazy things I did, and all the correct, right stuff I ate and worked on. My scale likes to work about one time in a thousand, so when it does, I’ll also post weekly updates on my weight, which I’d ask you kindly not to read except that accountability is part of this.
Now, for me, because of my spine and weight, I can’t do a lot of normal exercises. I also don’t have access to a gym, so my workouts tend to be what I can accomplish in a very narrow confine of my own home. I can’t lay on the ground and do pushups or burpees. I won’t be doing jumping jacks, because I live in an apartment and I don’t want people to think Godzilla’s attacking. I plan on doing simple, low-impact cardio, usually stolen from YouTube videos (I really like HASFit’s stuff, but if anyone has other recommendations, throw them in and I will definitely give them a look).
As for dieting, I’m keeping it simple and just cutting down on calories for a start. Less carbs and sweets are a definite start, along with more vegetables, fruits, and meats. I don’t do fad diets. That shit might work for you, but I need better standards for an everyday life, not something to knock off fifteen pounds in a hurry only to wind up ballooning back out again in two months.
If you want to help, talk to me. Encourage me. Demand to know where my updates are at. What I don’t need is someone telling me what to eat and what not to eat. I don’t need teacher’s helpers. I know what to do, I just need people to walk with me the distance on this.
Join in with me if you want. Let’s be healthier together.
WEEK ONE WEIGHT – 390.4 (ugh, my heaviest weight to date)
The Rankin Flats Observer 